me: make me irresistible to all women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

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Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley


[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn


i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top


When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed


It’s not considered ‘people watching’ if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.


ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year


If you ask me to go get “Eyetalian” food with you, our friendship is probably over.


“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”


You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.