I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My kitchen overserved me.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Just so funny
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*puts my mental health in rice
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.