Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Orange cat behavior 😂

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*