Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”