Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

eggs benadryl

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes