Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.