Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me trying to walk in a dream
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water