@AnkCoupleTO

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

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@juicymorsel

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There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

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@JohnLyonTweets

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

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@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.