Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?