me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Here to help
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus