me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station