me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Happy Caturday!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Suuuuure
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”