Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

#ProTip

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Pretty much. 🤣