Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.