Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Husband of the year 😂

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

an octopus is just a wet spider

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

I love you…

…r dog.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.