Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

honestly, i need both:

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

🛁

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat