Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
You have been warned.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
