Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Can you solve the riddle??
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
