me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Stick it to the man
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.