Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped