Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Okay, I’m still confused…
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs