Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

You know…for fall…

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?