Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

going to bed

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

going to the ER y’all need anything

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves