Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”