Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.