Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I would move hell over six inches for you
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors