Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.