Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads: