Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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