Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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sensitive skin
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Kids: Stay in school.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.