Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
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me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m already scared
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture