Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Vodka burrito was a success
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?