Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”