Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming