Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.