Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.