me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Banking tips
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely