It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
often like herding cats
Some days, like herding feral cats
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3