@GrantTanaka

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

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@WilliamRodgers

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

@lloydrang

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@CulturedRuffian

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

@crylenol

I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3