ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Those are good neighbors.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.