*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!