*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m never leaving this app.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Kids, do not try this at home!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?