Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.