me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja