me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Life hack
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater