me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
can’t catch a break
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too