Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Mood.. 😂

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

So sick of all these stupid rules

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.