Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
this made my day 😂
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated