Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*watches the world burn*
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
mood
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.