Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Every. Damn. Time.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room