Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The three genders.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*sewing*
A thread
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.