[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit