Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Education is vital
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again