Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
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People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized