Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Previously On Persistence 😎
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”