Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”