ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Truth
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*