ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.