ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
You Might Also Like
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
every olympics i turn into this guy
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
(more comics:
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I’m listening
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.