Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m not lazy
