Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.