Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

who wore it better?

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am