ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
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I can fix him.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I identify as an antique shop.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children