Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

How can I say no to this ?

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

another case of gang violins

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know