Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.