Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Just say no

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.