Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

✌🏽

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Finally, an explanation.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Golf would be better with landmines.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

😂