Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily