Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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it must be school picture day
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Who knew!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
pizza
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.