Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Born to be mild.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private