Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

courtroom exchange of the day

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

rapatouille

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare