me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back