me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait