Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

This pepper has seen some shit

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Basketball

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

This story is comedy gold 😂

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”