Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
😩😩😩
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
dutch so unserious
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there