Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

boat question

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?