Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Looking at you, Jesus.