Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

My plans: 2020:

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.