Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality