Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?