Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.