Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
🤣🤣🤣
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.